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oh man

May. 18th, 2011 | 08:14 pm

I'm writing a 5 page essay on Mae West 
I have nothing else to distract me/ nothing to do.
Now I am trying to remember how in the fuck to  write an essay.
 
oh gahh.

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oh my god

May. 18th, 2011 | 06:07 pm

Panic attack.

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angst

May. 17th, 2011 | 07:04 pm

I am so lonely.
I got a new journal.
It makes me kinda happy 

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.

May. 17th, 2011 | 02:50 pm

my mistakes do not define me. 

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crying.

May. 16th, 2011 | 04:06 pm

I can't stop crying. 
I have a strong feeling that everything will go away, though.
Now back to being too sad to stay awake. or move.
Why does everything have to hurt so bad?

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(no subject)

May. 15th, 2011 | 01:59 am

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0wrsZog8qXg
Today wasn't so bad. 
I cried, and drove around, crying. 
Mostly I've been listening to music. It's the one thing that I can get lost in, and not think about anything else.
I've also come to the same realization that I came to with past relationships.
One day, my memories of Bobby will just be a box on my shelf.
And I can dust it off, open it, and look at pictures of us, look at two journals that were filled with thoughts of him/ my life around that time.
It's sad to think, that one day, all you've given to someone will fit in a little box up of a shelf somewhere. I'll probably be between numerous art books/journals and the big old jar of stuff that bobby used to keep on his very top shelf. 
Or maybe I'll be in the jar. Little notes I wrote, little doodles. The necklace I love and used to wear all the time. 
 It's sad to think of. But I think I am going to be okay with it.  
It breaks my heart, but I think I am strong enough to go through this. again.
 
I am also 98 pounds again. I guess all it took was being too sick to move for a week or so. I'm not really interested in loosing weight right now. And wouldn't mind putting on a few pounds. This is good. Not dealing with things by wanting to starve.
I hung out with chad today, and watched movies. I'm so glad for my close friends at times like these. Hard times are when friends show their true colors. I  am sleeping on my parents couch, and just knowing that they are close by is so helpful.
I am keeping positive. I am staying strong. I know I can make it through whatever life throws at me, I just hope it's going to get better right now.
I really want to be with my cat right now. I feel like I need a whole bunch of hugs.
Here's to moving forward, finally

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wow

May. 13th, 2011 | 08:09 pm

One of the most witty and wonderful girls has killed herself. Rest in peace karina. <333 I wish I was there to talk to you.

My grandpa is being taken off the medication that is keeping him alive. We don't know how long he has left. And I want to hug him and tell him goodbye. though I know he won't remember the little girl he bought circus peanuts for.
I'm trying to be strong right now, more than ever. although I feel my life is in shambles. I will make it through all this. And I'll be a better person, I know that counseling is going to help me a lot. I never want to hurt anyone, and I  want to be myself at all times.
And I'll probably be a post whore for the next bit. I have no one to really talk to anymore.

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.

Mar. 18th, 2011 | 10:55 am

I don't need to eat, all I  really have to do is cry more.
I look like someone beat the fuck out of me.
I feel like it too.
I am so tired.
I want everything to be okay again.
I am going to cry all day.

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In the making

Jan. 13th, 2011 | 03:06 pm

I believe in you and me
I'm coming to find you
If it takes me all night
Wrong until you make it
And I won't forget you
At least I'll try
And run, and run tonight
Everything will be alright


Took first zoloft, I am hopeful.
Happy. I know that everything is going to be great. And I feel happy with my life.
Good things are coming my way, I can feel it. 
Now deep in a dream:


The smoke builds a stairway for you to descend
you come to my arms, may this bliss never end,
Awake or asleep, every memory I'll keep
When I'm deep in a dream of you.
Then from the ceiling, sweet music comes stealing,
We glide and a lover's refrain, you're so appealing
That I'm soon revealing my love for you over again

My cigarette burns me, I wake with a start;
My hand isn't hurt, but there's pain in my heart

For we love anew just as we used to do
When I'm deep in a dream of you.


 

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Today SUCKED

Jan. 11th, 2011 | 03:06 am

I wish I had stayed asleep today.
I fixed my phone and then my            computer couldn't find boot devices for no reason,
and will not start..
I am usingmyghetto oldcomputer, enojy the horrilbe keyboard everyone.

fucking shit.
WHy did       ihave to wake up today?
I have a headache and feel depressed and miserable, now offbuspar, get to start all over agian with zoloft.
Literally nothing went super awesome today. except my pphone working I supoose buti'd rather get a new phon e than computer.

yay1 now i am starting to get dizzy.
fucking shit
ever;ything is so bad it's funny
after the third time of something falling on me,  I just started laughing.
because it's like a bad movie..
i am sad, lonley, worried about money, horrible deppppppppppppppppppression and anxiety. Everything i touch is braeking.
i know  things willbe fine
i just  got a nose bleed out  of now where.
oh, life
i really hate everything rightn ow.
And really don't want t be alone.

so much and i feel insane, stresseddd,
I know everything will be okay and work out.
I am just so tired, and there is so much going on....
i am not going to even bother to try to correct all of the fucked up grammatical eeerrors. hahahah oh man

v enting is nice. and i almost stabbbbed myself in the throat today.............................................

but decided against it, because withdrawls ar hard and it's not even rael.

I just wish I had someone to laugh about my terrible dayh with me and let me cry on them


 


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