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oh man

May. 18th, 2011 | 08:14 pm

I'm writing a 5 page essay on Mae West 
I have nothing else to distract me/ nothing to do.
Now I am trying to remember how in the fuck to  write an essay.
oh gahh.

oh my god

May. 18th, 2011 | 06:07 pm

Panic attack.


May. 17th, 2011 | 07:04 pm

I am so lonely.
I got a new journal.
It makes me kinda happy 


May. 17th, 2011 | 02:50 pm

my mistakes do not define me. 


May. 16th, 2011 | 04:06 pm

I can't stop crying. 
I have a strong feeling that everything will go away, though.
Now back to being too sad to stay awake. or move.
Why does everything have to hurt so bad?

(no subject)

May. 15th, 2011 | 01:59 am

Today wasn't so bad. 
I cried, and drove around, crying. 
Mostly I've been listening to music. It's the one thing that I can get lost in, and not think about anything else.
I've also come to the same realization that I came to with past relationships.
One day, my memories of Bobby will just be a box on my shelf.
And I can dust it off, open it, and look at pictures of us, look at two journals that were filled with thoughts of him/ my life around that time.
It's sad to think, that one day, all you've given to someone will fit in a little box up of a shelf somewhere. I'll probably be between numerous art books/journals and the big old jar of stuff that bobby used to keep on his very top shelf. 
Or maybe I'll be in the jar. Little notes I wrote, little doodles. The necklace I love and used to wear all the time. 
 It's sad to think of. But I think I am going to be okay with it.  
It breaks my heart, but I think I am strong enough to go through this. again.
I am also 98 pounds again. I guess all it took was being too sick to move for a week or so. I'm not really interested in loosing weight right now. And wouldn't mind putting on a few pounds. This is good. Not dealing with things by wanting to starve.
I hung out with chad today, and watched movies. I'm so glad for my close friends at times like these. Hard times are when friends show their true colors. I  am sleeping on my parents couch, and just knowing that they are close by is so helpful.
I am keeping positive. I am staying strong. I know I can make it through whatever life throws at me, I just hope it's going to get better right now.
I really want to be with my cat right now. I feel like I need a whole bunch of hugs.
Here's to moving forward, finally


May. 13th, 2011 | 08:09 pm

One of the most witty and wonderful girls has killed herself. Rest in peace karina. <333 I wish I was there to talk to you.

My grandpa is being taken off the medication that is keeping him alive. We don't know how long he has left. And I want to hug him and tell him goodbye. though I know he won't remember the little girl he bought circus peanuts for.
I'm trying to be strong right now, more than ever. although I feel my life is in shambles. I will make it through all this. And I'll be a better person, I know that counseling is going to help me a lot. I never want to hurt anyone, and I  want to be myself at all times.
And I'll probably be a post whore for the next bit. I have no one to really talk to anymore.


Mar. 18th, 2011 | 10:55 am

I don't need to eat, all I  really have to do is cry more.
I look like someone beat the fuck out of me.
I feel like it too.
I am so tired.
I want everything to be okay again.
I am going to cry all day.

In the making

Jan. 13th, 2011 | 03:06 pm

I believe in you and me
I'm coming to find you
If it takes me all night
Wrong until you make it
And I won't forget you
At least I'll try
And run, and run tonight
Everything will be alright

Took first zoloft, I am hopeful.
Happy. I know that everything is going to be great. And I feel happy with my life.
Good things are coming my way, I can feel it. 
Now deep in a dream:

The smoke builds a stairway for you to descend
you come to my arms, may this bliss never end,
Awake or asleep, every memory I'll keep
When I'm deep in a dream of you.
Then from the ceiling, sweet music comes stealing,
We glide and a lover's refrain, you're so appealing
That I'm soon revealing my love for you over again

My cigarette burns me, I wake with a start;
My hand isn't hurt, but there's pain in my heart

For we love anew just as we used to do
When I'm deep in a dream of you.



Jan. 11th, 2011 | 03:06 am

I wish I had stayed asleep today.
I fixed my phone and then my            computer couldn't find boot devices for no reason,
and will not start..
I am usingmyghetto oldcomputer, enojy the horrilbe keyboard everyone.

fucking shit.
WHy did       ihave to wake up today?
I have a headache and feel depressed and miserable, now offbuspar, get to start all over agian with zoloft.
Literally nothing went super awesome today. except my pphone working I supoose buti'd rather get a new phon e than computer.

yay1 now i am starting to get dizzy.
fucking shit
ever;ything is so bad it's funny
after the third time of something falling on me,  I just started laughing.
because it's like a bad movie..
i am sad, lonley, worried about money, horrible deppppppppppppppppppression and anxiety. Everything i touch is braeking.
i know  things willbe fine
i just  got a nose bleed out  of now where.
oh, life
i really hate everything rightn ow.
And really don't want t be alone.

so much and i feel insane, stresseddd,
I know everything will be okay and work out.
I am just so tired, and there is so much going on....
i am not going to even bother to try to correct all of the fucked up grammatical eeerrors. hahahah oh man

v enting is nice. and i almost stabbbbed myself in the throat today.............................................

but decided against it, because withdrawls ar hard and it's not even rael.

I just wish I had someone to laugh about my terrible dayh with me and let me cry on them